we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
