I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
