matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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