I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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