Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
