Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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