To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
