Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
