Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize