I feel like abortions should bother me more
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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