Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
