You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
