last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
