im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
