I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We had to coat check the pizza.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
