I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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