Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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