Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
