Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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