How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
