Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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