Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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