New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
