I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
