The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize