i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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