My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
