Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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