Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I look better un-naked...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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