I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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