I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
