I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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