My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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