i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
