I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
