ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
