just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize