I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
