Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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