Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
