I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
