Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
