you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Found your dick twin last night
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
