Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
