so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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