Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
