Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize