It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Randomize
