I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
