Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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