I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
