I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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