i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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