the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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