i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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