I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
