I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
