hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize