new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
