Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
