He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
